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I wasn't going to do this because my answers will be pretty similar to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
velyrhorde's but I think I'll do it anyway.
Build-a-Snape meme
or
How to Make Snape a Huge Mary Sue
Choose your favorite choice in each of the following categories. If your favorite choice isn't listed, feel free to add your own!
1. Physique
a. emaciated
b. lean but well-muscled
c. six-pack abs, broad shoulders, and the arse of a god
d. sporting much scar tissue
Emaciated is too strong a word but he's skinny. He never gets any exercise and he doesn't eat much.
2. The Reason for His Greasiness
a. poison administered during his childhood, or potions he's taking now to ameliorate the effects of too much cruciatus action.
b. potions fumes
c. poor hygiene
d. a reverse glamour to deter unwanted student lust
Definitely poor hygiene.
3. His Bits
a. supersize it!
b. not important
c. long and slender
d. smallish, due to aforementioned potions administered during his childhood
e. as twisted and ugly as the rest of him
Not important. Especially to Snape. I mean, OK, he is a guy, therefore it's important on some level but he tries not to think about it. He's deliberately unconcerned with his physical attractiveness.
4. His Sexual History
a. virgin
a. Just one, meaningless encounter during a visit to Corfu, but nothing since
c. one great love, way back when, but nothing since
d. a lifelong habit of visiting prostitutes, but nothing meaningful
e. a great many non-consensual encounters, but nothing else
Possibly (a). He really isn't very attractive and he's not exactly outgoing.
5. His Sexual Prowess
a. completely inexperienced
b. mostly inexperienced, yet with obvious innate talent
c. an amazing sex god, and never mind how he got that way
If it's (a) for 4 then it'll have to be (a) for 5 also.
6. His Private Quarters
a. Millions and millions of books, plus gothic furnishings
b. Millions and millions of books, plus spare-but-elegant furnishings
c. Millions and millions of books, plus threadbare furnishings
It depends on whether the teachers buy their own furniture. They probably don't, in which case it probably looks like what the kids have in the dorms but if he buys it himself, it's all second-hand and nothing matches. Not even because he's poor, he's just cheap.
7. His Bedsheets
a. black silk/satin
b. green silk/satin
c. white cotton with a high threadcount, worn to an amazing softness
d. flannel
Again, it depends on whether the teachers buy it themselves or not. No, actually, it's probably plain cotton either way.
8. His Lamentable Past
a. abused by parents
b. abused by Voldemort
c. abused by Lucius
d. abused by Albus
e. abused by the Ministry
f. abused by self
Depends on what one means by 'abused.' If it simply means 'mistreated' then definitely Albus and the Ministry. His dad was probably rotten to him but there may not have been physical abuse. If 'abuse' means physical abuse then possibly his parents but I think no one else. I don't get all these fics where Voldemort subjects the Death Eaters to horific sexual abuse. Why would they tolerate it? Why would anybody join him? He does crucio them if they piss him off and that's abusive but in Voldemort's mind, it's just practical. Snape probably could've gotten by without ever pissing him off. As for his parents, we've only seen that one snippet of his childhood. There's a wide range of possibility there. He could be an antisocial prick without having been abused as a child.
9. What Color is His Parachute After the War?
a. keeps on teachin' potions
b. independent potions research
c. owns an apothecary shop
d. lives as a hermit, wandering the moors and thinking bitter thoughts
e. doesn't survive the war
(e) is likely. (b) is my favorite but is unlikely. If !e then a. Unless he finally gets the DADA job.
10. His Drink of Choice
a. firewhisky
b. whatever's handy
c. wine connoisseur
d. something altogether different
I don't see him as a big drinker.
11. His Leisure Pursuits
a. listens to classical music
b. reads classical literature
c. writes articles for potions periodicals
d. has no leisure time- it's all spent spying. See the circles under his eyes?
e. plays masterful chess
f. uses all his leisure time to stalk miscreants in the hallways, or else drinks till he passes
out over a pile of 4th year essays
Between teaching, spying (or whatever it is he's doing, I'm not at all convinced that he's gone undercover) and making potions for the school and the Order, he probably doesn't even have time to get enough food or sleep.
12. His Out-on-the-Town Clothes; Supple Leather Boots and:
a. an unassuming pair of black trousers and a nice, but nondescript black sweater
b. black trousers and a beautifully tailored white linen shirt
c. an Armani suit
d. something Edwardian-looking with lots and lots and lots of buttons
e. leather
His robes? He wouldn't be caught in Muggle clothes unless he has to disguise himself. And he doesn't wear anything fancy. It looks pretty fancy in the movie but all we hear about in the books is black robes, none of this tight black suit with all the buttons.
13. His Undergarments
a. black or green silk boxers
b. those medieval twisty things
c. y-fronts
d. commando
I'm pretty sure y-fronts are canon. Except that seems more like a Muggle thing; there was that guy in GoF in the dress who didn't wear underwear. So commando is also possible, if that's more normal for adult wizards.
14. Optional Features
a. multilingual
b. fencing master
c. world-famous in the field of potions
d. plays an instrument
e. excellent dancer
f. knows all the secret passages in Malfoy Manor
g. untold family wealth
h. has a superhuman sense of smell
i. has gypsy/Jewish/French heritage on his mother's side
j. really is a vampire
They don't seem to teach foreign languages at Hogwarts but it's possible he speaks a little of a few languages. He's probably only fluent in English but a lot of British people speak a little French, for example.
I like the vampire one but it's not that realistic. I think he has a good sense of smell but not superhuman. My mum has a good sense of smell. I think he also has good hearing. Maybe he's like me: being able to hear very quiet or far away sounds if there's no background noise but being completely incapable of separating background noise from the sound of someone talking to him. Seriously, I'll be straining to hear and watching the person's mouth to try to lip-read and often, I can't make out what they're saying if we're in a noisy place. The sounds all jumble together. That makes people more socially isolated.
I'd also add, likevelyrhorde, that he's a nerd.
***
I need a snack. I have some danish pastries at home but I forgot to bring them with me. I have a banana and a cookie but I was going to save those for after lunch. Maybe I should just eat them now because I have to leave a little early to go to the bank anyway and I can get a snack then. ...Instead of "snack" I typed "snape." That's silly.
ETA: I ate the banana and the cookie.
velyrhorde's but I think I'll do it anyway.Build-a-Snape meme
or
How to Make Snape a Huge Mary Sue
Choose your favorite choice in each of the following categories. If your favorite choice isn't listed, feel free to add your own!
1. Physique
b. lean but well-muscled
c. six-pack abs, broad shoulders, and the arse of a god
d. sporting much scar tissue
Emaciated is too strong a word but he's skinny. He never gets any exercise and he doesn't eat much.
2. The Reason for His Greasiness
b. potions fumes
c. poor hygiene
Definitely poor hygiene.
3. His Bits
b. not important
d. smallish, due to aforementioned potions administered during his childhood
e. as twisted and ugly as the rest of him
Not important. Especially to Snape. I mean, OK, he is a guy, therefore it's important on some level but he tries not to think about it. He's deliberately unconcerned with his physical attractiveness.
4. His Sexual History
a. virgin
c. one great love, way back when, but nothing since
d. a lifelong habit of visiting prostitutes, but nothing meaningful
e. a great many non-consensual encounters, but nothing else
Possibly (a). He really isn't very attractive and he's not exactly outgoing.
5. His Sexual Prowess
a. completely inexperienced
c. an amazing sex god, and never mind how he got that way
If it's (a) for 4 then it'll have to be (a) for 5 also.
6. His Private Quarters
b. Millions and millions of books, plus spare-but-elegant furnishings
c. Millions and millions of books, plus threadbare furnishings
It depends on whether the teachers buy their own furniture. They probably don't, in which case it probably looks like what the kids have in the dorms but if he buys it himself, it's all second-hand and nothing matches. Not even because he's poor, he's just cheap.
7. His Bedsheets
b. green silk/satin
c. white cotton with a high threadcount, worn to an amazing softness
d. flannel
Again, it depends on whether the teachers buy it themselves or not. No, actually, it's probably plain cotton either way.
8. His Lamentable Past
a. abused by parents
b. abused by Voldemort
d. abused by Albus
e. abused by the Ministry
Depends on what one means by 'abused.' If it simply means 'mistreated' then definitely Albus and the Ministry. His dad was probably rotten to him but there may not have been physical abuse. If 'abuse' means physical abuse then possibly his parents but I think no one else. I don't get all these fics where Voldemort subjects the Death Eaters to horific sexual abuse. Why would they tolerate it? Why would anybody join him? He does crucio them if they piss him off and that's abusive but in Voldemort's mind, it's just practical. Snape probably could've gotten by without ever pissing him off. As for his parents, we've only seen that one snippet of his childhood. There's a wide range of possibility there. He could be an antisocial prick without having been abused as a child.
9. What Color is His Parachute After the War?
a. keeps on teachin' potions
b. independent potions research
d. lives as a hermit, wandering the moors and thinking bitter thoughts
e. doesn't survive the war
(e) is likely. (b) is my favorite but is unlikely. If !e then a. Unless he finally gets the DADA job.
10. His Drink of Choice
b. whatever's handy
d. something altogether different
I don't see him as a big drinker.
11. His Leisure Pursuits
b. reads classical literature
c. writes articles for potions periodicals
d. has no leisure time- it's all spent spying. See the circles under his eyes?
f. uses all his leisure time to stalk miscreants in the hallways, or else drinks till he passes
out over a pile of 4th year essays
Between teaching, spying (or whatever it is he's doing, I'm not at all convinced that he's gone undercover) and making potions for the school and the Order, he probably doesn't even have time to get enough food or sleep.
12. His Out-on-the-Town Clothes; Supple Leather Boots and:
b. black trousers and a beautifully tailored white linen shirt
c. an Armani suit
d. something Edwardian-looking with lots and lots and lots of buttons
e. leather
His robes? He wouldn't be caught in Muggle clothes unless he has to disguise himself. And he doesn't wear anything fancy. It looks pretty fancy in the movie but all we hear about in the books is black robes, none of this tight black suit with all the buttons.
13. His Undergarments
b. those medieval twisty things
c. y-fronts
I'm pretty sure y-fronts are canon. Except that seems more like a Muggle thing; there was that guy in GoF in the dress who didn't wear underwear. So commando is also possible, if that's more normal for adult wizards.
14. Optional Features
a. multilingual
They don't seem to teach foreign languages at Hogwarts but it's possible he speaks a little of a few languages. He's probably only fluent in English but a lot of British people speak a little French, for example.
I like the vampire one but it's not that realistic. I think he has a good sense of smell but not superhuman. My mum has a good sense of smell. I think he also has good hearing. Maybe he's like me: being able to hear very quiet or far away sounds if there's no background noise but being completely incapable of separating background noise from the sound of someone talking to him. Seriously, I'll be straining to hear and watching the person's mouth to try to lip-read and often, I can't make out what they're saying if we're in a noisy place. The sounds all jumble together. That makes people more socially isolated.
I'd also add, like
velyrhorde, that he's a nerd.***
I need a snack. I have some danish pastries at home but I forgot to bring them with me. I have a banana and a cookie but I was going to save those for after lunch. Maybe I should just eat them now because I have to leave a little early to go to the bank anyway and I can get a snack then. ...Instead of "snack" I typed "snape." That's silly.
ETA: I ate the banana and the cookie.